so apparently we’re imprisoning the geico cavemen and making the cast of one flew over the cuckoo’s nest guard them. CLOSE GUANTANAMO

OBAMA IN 20008

FreeCreditReport.com guy: I know you’re big in Quebec and all. Fuck off and die.

This little kid is whispering something to her mom. I think it’s about me.

Do I have visible boogers?

Bald man, you missed your flight. Stop running.

I really hate people with “butt chin”.

Incessant voice on CNN says missing toddler Smokey Van Pickle says Obama d

I saw a Hispanic version of Barbara Walters when I was being frisked in security.

I really feel like I have visible boogers. I hate this.

The little kid is now intently reading AM New York. Can kids that young even read?

If you’re gonna have a bar in an airport, you might as well let people smoke in it.

The barkeep looks like a mix between that fat guy from the Sopranos (you know the one) and the guy from that TV show with the hot wife (you know the one).

Airports are so boring. This is killing me.

JUST GET ME TO NC IN FOUR OR LESS PIECES.

This bartender really knows how to work the crowd.

Some blonde chick is scowling at me.

Babies always seem drunk and for that I applaud them.

Would you hand-feed sunflower seeds to John McCain? I might.

I’d be happier if they had dogs in the airport, just walking around, letting people pet them, sitting quietly, pissing and shitting all over the baggage carousels, f

I think someone got shot on my subway this afternoon. They stopped us at 42nd and the train driver started honking the horn over and over and the station agent got on the intercom and said “POLICE TO THE QUEENS BOUND R TRAIN” over and over and then a W pulled up on the opposite track and I got on that.

Fun quiz game: I’m thinking of a place I’d rather be than here. Can you guess it?

At least it isn’t raining.

ANSWER TO QUIZ GAME: Anywhere.

From Wikipedia:

The fourth film in the Jaws series ignores the events of the preceding and more successful Jaws 3-D, and uses a plot involving a shark seemingly plotting to kill the surviving members of the Brody family. At the end, the shark is heard to “roar” repeatedly (which is biologically impossible) before being hit with a sailboat driven by Sheriff Brody’s widow and exploding.

i was watching this break dancing video at work because i was bored to tears and i noticed this comment:

i can only assume JoJo Quinn is a time traveler sent to warn me of the perils inherent in watching this video. but why?

JOJO TAKE ME WITH YOU

it’s fucking crazy. i picked up this bread at 2 am on the way back from a party because i saw it in a corner store and it looked lovingly prepared. boy was i wrong! it was sleeved in a nice brown paper bag therefore i thought it was crafted by bread artisans and cooked in a wood-fired oven in some small town. boy was i wrong! this bread was fucking shit. it tasted like styrofoam. i can’t begin to tell you how disappointed i was. no, i still AM disappointed. it’s crap! this bread sucks. end of story. the story doesn’t end there. so i get tedd to smell this bread and he agrees that based on sight alone it’s of a fine constitution. this bread on sight alone looks like a winner. but oh boy, once you get it in your mouth it’s DEVOID OF FLAVOR. the bread is literally tasteless. i’ve been fondling the loaf and stewing with rage all morning and i noticed there is a 1-800 number printed on the sleeve that allows questions or comments. i wonder though… are these people really for the utter shitstorm i’m about to unleash on them? i got screwed big time by this bread, and i’m gonna let these people know about it. cat’s out of the bag, guys. things have changed. this was one step too far. i’ve been pushed over the edge by this bread. this is the last straw.

now it’s personal.

(actually toasted with butter it might be tasty. NAW FUCK DAT)

OK, I’m about 3 years late, but I just watched Crash on my Netflix and I can’t go to bed without venting somewhere about what a ridiculous piece of shit this film is. This fucking movie is like having the same people that make McDonald’s ads try to explain race relations in modern America, with a soundtrack devised by the folks who program music at Starbucks. What a piece of shit. Among the atrocities:

-OMFG DON’T BELIEVE YOUR STEREOTYPES, AMERICA. But now we’ll show you black people who are incapable of living a day-to-day life without 1) guns 2) impotent rage at the white man 3) fucking their coworkers 4) spouting racist paranoia 5) cautiously approaching any culture other than their own.

-Hey did you know Asians could actually perpetrate inhumanity on OTHER ASIANS? I thought because they all look the same they must love each other.

-Persians are just like Arabs but THEY’RE NOT! I learned this when the inexplicably garbed older woman was cleaning off the racist graffiti. Also, they’re completely devoid of any value judgments or moral compass unless some perceived supernatural phenomenon smacks them in the face and keeps them from killing a little girl!

-OMG NO racist stuck up white people are such bitchez but it’s so sad in the end because the Hispanic maid is Sandra Bullock’s only friend! Sucks for her, doesn’t it?

I can’t even begin to describe the technical aspects of this film that blow so much ass I’m reminded of sitting out Hurricane Fran in 1996. If it wasn’t the over-acting, contrived dialogue or clumsy editing that pissed me off, it was the predictable storyline and beat-you-over-the-head shot selection. THE BULLETS WERE BLANKS, SEE? YOU COULDN’T SEE THAT FROM A FUCKING MILE AWAY SO WE SHOWED YOU THE BOX IN A TERRIBLE 1 SECOND JUMP CUT.

My friend Emily had an idea in our BCN 317 Intro To Screenwriting class about this very same premise back in 2002. And I’m sure hers would have wiped the floor with this movie, because this shit was about as skilled as a 101 color sync. I can’t believe this movie won an Oscar and the only part that entertained me was seeing Ludacris get his ass beat by Terence Howard (which would never have happened in real life; they’d have blown his brains out, but really what does real life have to do with this story?).

Ugh. Ok, I feel better now. Time for bed.

I DRIVE A CHEVROLET MOVIE THEATER

Live on BBC Radio One. 1984.

[11:51] paul at sonic: this is what happens when you live in a country where it rains 350 days a year
[11:52] whatsupjoey: you become insanely awesome

ok, giving travis morrison a zero was amusing because he can be such a smug prick. giving jet a video of a monkey peeing in its own mouth as a review was funny because it summed up the band perfectly and monkeys are funny.

but what’s this bullshit? black kids are actually a decent band who garnered a fair amount of honest attention through a couple good singles and touring. i think they deserve a bit more than a picture of two pugs. it’s not even a funny picture.

i mean, this is all moot; i could care less what pitchfork thinks about a band. but they certainly do have influence over a band’s sales and destiny, and this sort of thing lets idiot hipsters laugh away a group’s hard work for nothing. if you’re going to run a review site, review everything; save the jokes for the onion.